He's MY sexy Frenchman!
by Stikky n Teethflower
Summary: it's for a challenge. quite funny. (and that's Harry the title's referring to)
1. get it right, sister

**A/N** did this for a challenge. I do not own the characters. Also, I can't say anything but bonjour in French, I used a translator lmao, so don't expect grammar.  
------------------------------   
  
  
It was summer.

For some reason, fifteen year-old Harry Potter had had an urge to do some very stupid things.

This is why he'd secretly brought Ron and Hermione to the Dursleys' for the last week of the holidays.

This is also why Harry and Ron were in the yard on a breezy Tuesday morning, 'practicing' spells while Hermione slept.

Harry grinned stupidly as he fumbled with his wand and dropped it. Ron was studying his own wand; he was holding the tip an inch from his left eye and picking at it. 

"I wonder what would happen if..." he began. He picked Harry's wand up off the ground and touched the two tips together.

**BOON!**

"Boon?" said Harry blankly.

Oh.

**BOOM!**

"MERDE!" roared Harry, when he could see Ron through the smoke. It seemed Ron had been buried up to his chin in Aunt Petunia's beloved flower bed.

"Ce qui vous faites _cela_ pour?!" yelled Harry.

"Gurgle," said Ron, "I think my head's fallen off my bo-bod-ACHOO!"

The smoke and dust from the explosion had made him sneeze.

Suddenly Hermione ran into the yard looking outraged. "YOU WOKE ME UP!" she bellowed, then spotted Ron. "Ron, why are you buried up to your chin?" she asked.

"I'M NOT BURIED! MY HEAD'S FALLEN OFF MY BODY!" Ron yelled.

"Ainsi il dit, mais je pense qu'il veut juste l'attention," muttered Harry.

At the sound of Harry's voice, Hermione's eyes clouded over. She floated over to where he was standing. He looked at her strangely.

"Hermione... are you _purring_?" Ron inquired furiously.

Hermione grinned like an idiot, looking into Harry's face. "Haaaaaaarryyyy," she panted, drooling on his sweater.

Ron's head shook helplessly. "Moron," he grumbled. 

Suddenly, something came crashing through the hedges!

It was...

"MY BODY!" Ron's head shouted.

So it was. It took five minutes for Harry, who now had Hermione clinging to his leg, to succesfully guide Ron's body into picking up his head and placing it back on. 

Once he was in one peice, he gloated. "I TOLD you I wasn't buried! BWAHAH——" any further discussion on the subject was stopped abruptly by a large shoe flying out of Uncle Vernon's second floor window, which hit Harry on the head ("RIEN!").

The rest of the week passed in this manner.

  
On Monday morning, the three friends woke up at the crack of dawn to Dudley's racuous snores. Good thing, too, because although they had to be at King's Cross at eleven o'clock, they hadn't set any alarms. 

Harry rolled off his bed. Then he climbed on top of it, jumped up, and plopped on top again with all his might. There was a strangled cry from underneath. Ron's head appeared at the edge. 

"You prat!" he yelled. "You nearly squashed me!" 

Harry shrugged. "Sorry." 

There came a loud bumping noise from inside Harry's closet. Forgetting that this was where Hermione slept, the two boys crept close to it, looks of intense fear on their faces. Harry took a deep breath and pulled the door open. 

"AAAARRRGHHHHH!" he screamed. 

Ron peeked in. He started to laugh. It was only a lump of sheets! Oh, and it was moving. MOVING?! Ron jumped back. Suddenly Hermione's head popped up. Ron sheilded his eyes. Hermione leapt out of the sheets and ran to Harry. Before he could stop her, she'd given him a huge sloppy kiss and said cheerfully, "Good MORNING, Harry! Are you packed?"

"Aucun," he said. "Et ne m'appelez pas Harry!" 

"Oui oui, Monsieur Hari," said Hermione in a horrible French accent. For nearly a week now, Harry had insisted on being called "Hari." No one knew why, but Ron and Hermione thought the mysterious explosion Tuesday morning might have something to do with it.

For the next hour and a half, the three friends packed their trunks. Then they nursed the wounds they'd gotten when their screaming had woken up a very cranky Uncle Vernon. The whip was still in the hallway, "in case they got any ideas." 

At nine o'clock, Uncle Vernon started the car. "GET IN!" he thundered. 

Harry pretended that Ron and Hermione were his pets, so Uncle Vernon wouldn't realize that they were real people. To make it more convincing he leaned over to pet Ron, but he fell on his face because Hermione was hanging off his neck. He laughed weakly at Uncle Vernon. "Ils m'aiment trop." 

After they got in the car, Ron and Hermione had a civil conversation about the weather while pretending to understand Harry's comments. Uncle Vernon was suspicious, because he'd never heard of pets that could talk. Or pets that coud attend school, for that matter. Maybe it's just a wizard thing, he thought. Or maybe Harry's insane. As soon as they reached the station, he threw them out of the car and sped off. 

Harry stood looking back at his uncle's car. "Qu'est vers le haut de son bout?"

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione went to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Harry quickly caught up. 

"What do we do, again?" Ron said loudly.

"Just jump through this solid wall, and we're on our way to the most secret school ever!" Hermione screeched. A few muggles looked at them like they were crazy.

Harry skipped through the wall. "Oy! Hari's already gone!" yelled Hermione. "Let's go, Ron!"

The two jumped through the wall with much banging and crashing. Once on the other side, they skipped to the train, wondering who all the strange people were. They were confused when several ran up and greeted them like old friends. Finally, after claiming a back compartment of the train, some of the stuff they'd forgotten while they vegged out during summer started to return. 

"Oh hi Neville!" said Ron when Seamus came in. 

He eyed Ron. "Have you lost your marbles?" 

Ron pulled a little bag out of his pocket. "Nope, they're right here!" he said merrily and put them back. 

"Riiiiight," said Seamus, and left.

An hour later, Hermione decided to take Harry on a walk through the train. "Let's GO!" she yanked his sleeve. 

"Je doivent?" he whined.

They walked down the narrow hallway. Hermione kept snarling at any girl who looked at Harry. She couldn't help being jealous, however, when she noticed Harry eyeing a really pretty girl toward the end of the hallway. "Wow, quelle beauté," said Harry.

Without thinking, Hermione ran up to the girl, who had her back to them, grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Just so you know, Hari is MY sexy Frenchman!" she shrieked. Then she saw who the girl was.

"MALFOY?! Ceci ne peut pas se produire," Harry moaned. Then he fainted.

Malfoy sneered at Harry's lifeless form. "Get it right, sister. It's Dracie!" Then his eyes widened and he said, "Hey, Potter turned hot!"

Throwing a tearful look at Malfoy, Hermione dragged Harry back to their compartment. 

Ron was crying. 


	2. oh my god!

chapter 2

"What?! What's wrong, Ron?" said Harry.

"Neville came back in, and I left, and when I came back—" he let out a sob, gesturing toward an alarmingly still figure two seats away. Then he looked up in shock. "Harry... did you just speak in _English_?"

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione shrieked, and threw herself at him.

"Oh!" Harry looked surprised. "I guess seeing Malf— er, Dracie, must have snapped me out of it."

Suddenly Dean and the REAL Neville ran in. Neville glanced at Seamus and looked terrified. Then he looked back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "Oh my god! They killed Seamus!" he shouted.

"The bastards!" yelled Dean, even louder.

Something stirred at Dean's shout. "It's Neville!" said Ron.

"He's alive!" said Harry.

"No shit!" yelled the real Neville.

"Who're you?" asked Ron.

"Neville," said Neville.

"That's Neville!" yelled Ron, pointing at Seamus, who was yawning and rubbing his eyes. 

"No, that's Seamus, Ron. Capice?" said Dean in a strange Italian accent. The others noticed that he was wearing a floor-length trench coat. He mysteriously reached inside it and pulled out something. It was a... banana! He peeled it and took a bite while the others watched apprehensively. "Mmm... want some?" he said.

They shook their heads.

So, now that Seamus had been confirmed living, the Gryffindors chatted merrily for the rest of the train ride.

Once the train had stopped, the group of friends stepped onto the pleasantly warm sand and felt the ocean breezes swishing through their hair. Looking out into the waves, Ron said, "Gee, Hogwarts Island hasn't changed a bit!"

They filed into the Great Hall. Harry noticed Dracie watching him out of the corner of his/her eye. The pink mini-skirt flashed menacingly in the harsh sunlight. Harry squinted. Then he was swept off his feet (literally) by Hermione. He was forced to hang on to her sleeve for dear life, all the way to her dormitory, where she promptly attempted to rape him. 

Suddenly, Viktor Krum appeared!

"You try to rape Herm-own-ninny!" he roared, spit flying everywhere while he glared at Harry, who was having his shirt torn off by Hermione. "Now, prepare to... DUEL!"

There was a loud crack and suddenly, the three of them were in a dueling stadium! Somehow, Krum had managed to Apparate them off school grounds. Harry looked around. "Hmm," he said, when he saw Hermione dressed as a medieval princess, and he looked down. He was wearing feather light chain mail and holding his wand. He vaguely noticed Viktor bearing down on him, shouting various spells. None of them did anything to Harry. In fact, they were bouncing off him and hitting Hermione full on; so far she had a face made of breakfast food items, two extra arms, and radioactive skin. 

Harry giggled. Then he used his miraculous hypnotic powers to cause Krum to think he was Britney Spears. 

Krum danced in a would-be seductive manner, his "behind" shaking very clumsily.

Harry grinned and yelled, "PARTY!! WOOHOO!" Loud pop music started to play and the lights clicked off, then moving colored spotlights went on. People started flowing into the stadium, and most of them started to dance wildly.

"YEAH! SHAKE IT!" yelled the bacon that was Hermione's mouth. She wiggled her—

"OUCH!" Harry screamed as someone bumped into him. It was Dumbledore. As Harry watched, Dumbledore boogied his way through the bobbing masses. Then he stubbed his toe on something. 

"AHHHH!! What the #&*@#$* was that?!!! @#$@#*$^!*&*&@%$!!!"

The entire stadium went silent. Dean broke the silence with a loud belch. 

"All right, party's over," he said, and as if to confirm this he once again reached threateningly into his trench coat. 

Soon they were all back at Hogwarts. It was only when he was back in the dormitory after dinner when Ron noticed that something was wrong, very wrong. Very, _very_ wrong. 

"Dude, where's my donut?"

"Dunno," said Harry. He left for the bathroom. When he returned to the dormitory three minutes later, he was surprised to find Ron dressed in a coat somewhat similar to Dean's. He also had a strange hat on, and was carrying a magnifying glass. He was humming a tune that sounded strangely like the "Mission: Impossible" theme.

"Umm..." said Harry.

At the sound of Harry's voice Ron jumped around and started peering at Harry's clothes through the magnifying glass. He was muttering distractedly.

"Ron, what are you doing?!" said Harry as he threw Ron across the room with his amazing superstrength.

"Looking for my donut, old chap," said Ron, and, throwing a mysterious glance at Harry, he disappeared through the dormitory door.

Harry shook his head, plopped onto his four-poster, and started to snore. 


	3. Adventures at Hogwarts Beach

HE'S MY SEXY FRENCHMAN  


Chapter 3

Two seconds later, he awoke with a start as Hermione burst into the room, closely followed by Dean, Seamus, and Neville. They were looking winded and as they'd all ran over and shaken him awake, Harry was very annoyed indeed as he said, "Wot's up, you blokes?" in a thick Scottish accent. Then he shook his head as if to clear it and tried again. "What's up, you guys?"

They stared. Hermione seemed to be drooling again.

"Uh..." said Seamus, glancing at Hermione in a peculiar fashion, "we wanted two things actually. One, do you know why Ron thinks he's Sherlock Holmes, and two—"

"DO YOU WANT TO GO _SURFING_!?" yelled Neville.

"Yeah, Dean promised not to give anyone cement shoes," said Seamus, while Dean grinned maniacally.

"Uhh, okay," said Harry suspiciously.

They all stampeded onto Hogwarts Beach.

"Wow, what a beautiful day," sighed Neville, who was watching Ron examining rocks through his magnifying glass in the distance. Suddenly, Parvati Patil walked up, wearing a bikini. She said (without looking at the revolted look on Dean's face) "Hey Dean, is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" 

Dean pulled his wand out of his pocket and twirled it. "A wand," he said mildly. 

Seamus, who appeared to be salivating, sidled up to Parvati. "_I'm_ happy to see you," he said, glaring at Dean. 

Parvati ran away.

Hermione stepped in front of Harry. Throwing a seductive look at him, she dramatically ripped off her robes, revealing her bathing suit-clad self. Harry shielded his eyes.

Hermione looked angry and ran down to the shore, diving into the water.

"Good idea," said Dean, and they all flew down to the waves and jumped in. Suddenly, four surfboards appeared. 

"Wow!" yelled Harry, and he got up onto the surfboard and started to surf. For about two seconds. Then he fell off.

"I can do better than you!" shouted Seamus. He enthusiastically bent to spring onto his board, but apparently was a little overenthusiastic as he jumped over the surfboard and landed on his face in the wet sand.

Hermione's head appeared above the waves. When she spotted Seamus's face covered in sand, she screamed in genuine horror and pointed at him, yelling, "OH MY GOD! IT'S SWAMP THING!" Then, still shrieking loudly, she ran across the beach and into the castle. Harry roared with laughter. 

Seamus glanced over, wiped the sand from his face, and grinned at Harry. "Yeah, that was pretty funny, eh?"

Harry choked. "No— it's not that— " he gasped, still shaking with laughter. He pointed at Seamus's shorts. Seamus looked down at his shorts. With one little problem.

They weren't there.

"AHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Seamus, turning brick red. He ran farther into the water so as to cover what little was there. "Where'd my shorts go?!"

Just then Harry and Seamus were distracted by a delighted squeal from Neville. "Look guys! I caught one!" he exulted, holding something up. Harry and Seamus stared. 

It was Seamus's shorts. More startling than that, though, was exactly what Neville had caught. Parvati's hair flew everywhere as she struggled to free her head from Seamus's shorts; it looked as though she was about to explode. Unfortunately, she did just that.

**BOOOOOMMM!**

Neville was thrown twenty feet through the air as little pieces of Parvati floated merrily down into the waves. He landed with a loud SPLOOSH and thrashed wildly.

Harry was laughing again. Seamus was crying.

They left the beach.

Later that day, in the fifth year boys' dormitory, Harry was trying to comfort Seamus, who was devastated about the loss of Parvati. Harry was finding this hard, however, because just thinking of the incident brought tears of laughter to his eyes. Seamus was miserably packing his Parvati shrine into his trunk.

"Come on, Seamus, it's not your fault," said Harry, his lip twitching.

Neville was there, too. He was nursing a huge bruise on his belly that he'd gotten when Parvati had exploded. Dumbledore had appeared on the spot and given Neville a World's Best Belly Flop Award. Unfortunately, Neville hadn't been conscious to enjoy it. Needless to say, he wasn't quite mourning the loss of Parvati.

Hermione had been spotted in her dormitory, fixing Parvati's bed and clearing her things out of the way. She'd also placed a large sign that said "HARRY'S BED" on the pillow. Harry, although he usually was extremely annoyed by Hermione's attempts to get him to sleep with her, was seriously considering moving there. He wanted to laugh hysterically about Parvati's exploding without Seamus or Neville there to tell him off. In fact, Harry hadn't done anything _but_ laugh all day. He didn't know if it was healthy to do so— his ribs were aching.

At dinner that night, Professor Dumbledore gave a very grave announcement. "Students," he said, "we have had a most horrible pair of tragedies today. Most of you already know about the unfortunate explosion of Parvati Patil. She was— erm—" he appeared to be searching for something nice to say about her. "A student." he finished lamely. Harry's mouth was twitching again.

"Secondly, a patient of St. Mungo's Hospital has escaped. Most unfortunately, he freed an army of bloodthirsty owls from their confines and they are on the rampage. Already, they have commited one murder. Mister Igor Karkaroff, of Durmstrang Institute, has been killed."

Everyone was silent. Then Harry burst into hysterical laughter. Everyone stared at him; he was slapping his knee and spewing milk out of his nose.

"May I ask what is so funny, Mr. Potter?' said Dumbledore.

Harry just shook his head. He took several deep breaths andmanaged to choke out, "It— wasn't— owls!"

"Then what was it?"

Harry pointed down the table at Ron, who, incidentally, was wearing a ski mask and holding an axe. Something red was dripping off of it. "Stole— his— donut!" Harry said, and promptly fell off his seat, holding his sides.

Suddenly, Ron stood up, holding the axe above his head. The sky outside went dark, thunder clapped, and lightning flashed, illuminating the ski mask. "BWAHAHAHAH!" yelled Ron. "I KILLED KARKAROFF FIRST, BUT THERE ARE MANY MORE TO COME! BEWARE OF RON THE WANTON FAWN!" He started laughing again and ran from the hall, slamming the door behind him. Excited whispers filled the room.

That night in the dormitory, when everyone else was asleep, Ron flew in through the window and landed softly on his bed. He stashed the axe under his bed and took a bite from a large donut in his hand. "Mmmmm, sprinkles," he said, contentedly rubbing his stomach. Then he peeled off the ski mask and crawled into bed. During the night he could be heard muttering things like, "beware Ron the Wanton Fawn" and, "bob and weave, that'll teach 'em, yeah!" 


End file.
